Why am I still awake??

That is certainly the question of the hour...well, of the last 3 hours, actually. I am not a person that suffers from insomnia. Usually, I'm the first guy to crash in bed after 30 minutes of T.V. So, this is a first for me.

I guess I can't sleep because I'm thinking too much right now. I hate it when that happens. You'd assume that I think more than enough during regular business hours so, my brain would want a break. But, here I am. I'm thinking about the past. The funeral this last weekend will forever be ingrained in my psyche. I feel old and tired and sad. It's selfish, I guess. My Pop-pop is at peace now but I really miss him. I'm just really blue lately. I sometimes cry at the drop of a hat--- a sad song on the radio, any old man who walks by, a traffic jam, burnt toast...just about anything.

At the same time, I'm relieved. I finished my last Ph.D. application today and sent it off; I'm rather proud of myself for finishing it all up 2 months early. Now, I play the waiting game. Hopefully, there will be at least one "yes" out of a dozen. I can't stand being unsure about the future; especially when it is as fast as next year. I've been looking at a few "Plan B's"---working at an American Embassy overseas, applying for the FBI and/or CIA as a "Linguistic Specialist", substitute teaching (please God, no), getting certified as a massage therapist/yoga instructor, and an unending list of other "fillers". Truth is, all I want to do is exactly what I'm applying for now. I'll be pretty crushed if it doesn't work out so, of course, I'm worrying about it at 2am.

I gotta get up early and drive home tomorrow for Christmas break-- and because I have a dentist appointment. Unfortunately, it won't be much of a break. I'll be writing my thesis while I'm there and trying to garner some bit of the holiday spirit while attempting in vain to not think about the one person in the family who's missing. After, I'll come right back to Motown to use the library and get ridiculously drunk for New Year's Eve because I deserve to lose control for a few minutes. All in all, I'll be glad to see 2006 go-- it's time to move on.