Black Magic Green Pills

I tell ya, people. God bless drugs (legal ones, that is--don't start thinking things). F*#$ drug companies but, my goodness are drugs wonderful. Let me tell you about this little wonder known as Alka Seltzer Plus Night Cold...

Before I get into that--- so, yeah, I'm sick. It's rather pitiful that that is the big news lately in my life but, there you have it. Frankly, I'm a bit miffed at my body for being so weak and wimpy. I hardly ever get sick but, when almost everyone around you is sick, it's nearly impossible to dodge the bullet. I think I jinxed myself, actually. On Wednesday I was in class with my first-year cohort bragging, yes bragging, how I never get sick. Well, I guess my sinuses wanted to teach me a lesson and, here I am.

So, I'm whining on the phone to my honey-- as I'm prone to do-- and he recommends these liquid gel Alka Seltzer Night Cold pills. I thought, okay, it's worth a shot. I drove over to the local pharmacy and purchased said drug. I took the pills at 9:30pm last night and woke up...11:30am this morning; that's 14 hours for those of you good at math. I was out, and I mean out, unconscious, for 14 hours without even so much as a 2am bathroom break. Crazy. Not only that but, these pills gave me strange dreams. Like Salvador Dali-painting kinda weird, where things are attacking me and my body is melting away.

When I finally do wake up with a start (for no apparent reason), I'm completely disoriented. I don't know where I am or that I've been asleep for an ungodly amount of time. However, I do feel better. I still feel like I got hit by a concrete truck and I'm sporting a if-Britney-Spears-were-smart-and-short-but-still-screwed-up look but, I can function...basically. I stumbled through today in a veritable drunken fog of medical bliss and only now am I starting to wonder what the hell I did all day. Needless to say, this is not a cold remedy for the faint of heart (or mind). I've never been in a coma or drunk or high but, I imagine that my experience with this drug must be vaguely similar to what people feel in those situations-- combined. I would definitely recommend this product for people who want to knock the shit out of their flu but, be warned, it will do the same to you!

So, peanut gallery, what do you do to feel better when you're sick?