The Do's and Don'ts of Tying the Knot

This past weekend I had the pleasure of seeing my two good friends Alex and Allison seal the deal in a lovely autumn in WV wedding. I was a bridesmaid (yet again) and did my part so that their big day went exactly according to plans--- and if you know Allison, you also know how VERY important that is. My boy and I had the chance to see eachother again after a bit of a hiatus so, that was definitely nice. It's amazing how much you can miss a person's physical presence even though you talk to them virtually every day.

As I have reached the end of my long list of to-go-to weddings for this year, I feel I have garnered a bit of knowledge that may be valuable to some of you out there who are (as yet) unmarried. Here's a top 10 list of advice from a decidedly un-experienced and non-authoritative, (yet)professional wedding attendee....

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10- Forget the stupid little details!! No one notices or remembers them anyway (i.e. the color of the napkins, the centerpiece, the favors, etc.). People waste way too much time and money on the minute details and miss the big picture in the process.

9- Do NOT, I repeat, Do NOT play: the chicken dance, the electric slide, the macarena, the hussle or any other cheesy dance song at the reception...it gets old real fast.

8- Pick a good cake. Nothing ruins a good wedding meal quicker than a cheap (more icing than cake) or overly rich, wedding cake. The cake is more than likely the last thing the guests will eat so, you should try to leave a good taste in their mouth (literally).

7- For the love of God, no performers. No sappy poets, no droning speakers and no warbling singers. The wedding is the show, we don't need any more.

6- Be kind to your bridesmaids/groomsmen. Do not make them wear anything you wouldn't (or something that wouldn't flatter you). And, just as a word of style advice, classic is always better. Trendy color combinations involving browns or oranges are better left inside Modern Bride magazine and off the bodies of real people.

5- Do NOT have a deejay. They always, always, always suck....no affordable one will have any kind of skills and they will never match your taste in music, no matter how much they promise to stick to your request list. A live band is preferable but expensive. Even a laptop hooked up to a stereo system on a random shuffle of your Windows Media Player playlist is better--- at least you can censor what is played.

4- You do not need a wedding planner. They are pushy, expensive, bitter old maids who want to control your special day and live vicariously through your checkbook. Do your own thing and make it reflect the two of you! If you plan far enough ahead and keep it simple, you can do it yourself. Nothing is sadder than a standard, cookie-cutter wedding. Just be sure to delegate--- the man should share equally in the planning; weddings are not solely the responsibility of the bride.

3- Do NOT videotape your wedding. It is a huge waste of money and I have never in my life known of anyone who actually sat down and watched the tape---ever. Videographers are pirates; if you have pictures, that's enough. Plus, even if you are self-absorbed enough to sit down and watch 2 hours of yourself on film, no one else will ever want to; so, please, don't tempt yourself to smother the rest of us with your blissful film festivals.

2- Make sure, regardless of who will be toasting you, that you know what they are going to say and how long they plan to ramble on (and how much they have had to drink prior to taking over the microphone). Most people think they are witty and profound but few actually are and the guests are always the uncomfortable victims in this scenario.

1- Enjoy the day! I've been to WAY too many weddings where the bride and groom spend the entire reception meeting and greeting. Forget that--- dance like an idiot, stuff your face and have fun because the day will pass quickly and you should squeeze as much joy out of it as possible; after all, you paid for it!